its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.