Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Everclear isn't food dammit