i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.