Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
