So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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