come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
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I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
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I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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