What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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