The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
