im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
