I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
