I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
this is an emotional support booty call
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
