i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
