we have pet lesbian snakes
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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