somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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