Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
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Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
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I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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