My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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