i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
