I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
