she takes plan B like it's going out of style
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
