once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
