Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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