I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
