Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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