There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?