FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend