how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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