someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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