dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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