She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
