new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
