Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
