White coat. Heels.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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