they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
