I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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