i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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