Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
29 Shocking Confessions That People Thought Were A Joke
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.