Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
