A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
