I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
