I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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