Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
