Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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