I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize