I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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