I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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