had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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