My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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