That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
