Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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