If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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