Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
time to smoke my breakfast
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
