I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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