i think my mom watched the whole time
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
