my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
