and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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