he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
