I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
