I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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