It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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